In Crescent all i experienced was victory. Win after win in the area i thrived in. But in jc, that all changed. It was like i had to get used to losing because it was all i ever encountered. I have tried my best. You cant say i didnt have enough faith because that was all i had yesterday. Full of faith that we could do it. But nothing was enough. Maybe my only fault in jc was making the wrong decision. Because i hate losing. I really fucking hate it especially when all ive ever done is my best. I have persevered. I have tried for 2 years. I have done my part. I officially give up. Come next fri i doubt im putting in much effort anymore. Not gonna train anymore because there is just no point. I have other things to focus on now; things i sacrificed for a losing cause. Not anymore. After ive tried my best and it doesnt work, i stop trying. I dont need to lose anymore than i already have.
You know when sometimes you feel so intensely for someone it literally feels like your heart is about to give way? Or when you are so overwhelmed with emotions for someone you just can’t fathom the possibility of that person not feeling anything for you. Like how is it possible for me to feel THIS much while you feel nothing? It just seems impossible.
Sometimes i rly fucking miss T. Seeing him in a video during sports heat briefing today made my heart ache so badly. If i didnt act like a total fucking retard i’d be with him right now. And id be so happy. Im sure of it. But i did. And i honestly havent really forgiven myself for it. I could have really loved him. He mended my broken heart. But it sucks that H obviously still has a bigger hold on me - big enough for me to push T away. I just feel so depressed for being so heartbroken over 2 people who are both not in my life anymore. Fuck this shit.
Disillusionment
The simplest way for me to describe to you what my definition of a ‘true friend’ is someone i can picture still being in my life 5 years from now. Dont need 10 years. Just 5 years. And in ijc, absolutely no one makes the cut. I know when i graduate we’re all gonna lose touch and i know i will…be fine with it. I really am too cold man. But as they said, the coldest people are the ones who once cared too much.
Oh but i still hope you’ll be the only exception.
Hi syafiq i just had a good time laughing at yr mushy blogposts HAHAHA and no one reads our blogs except each other hurhur hahahahahah sadlifez
I am so burned out and worn down by school. It’s insane. But the only reason i appreciate this insanity is that i have no time to think about things that upset me. Or at least, it’s easier not to think. Im most afraid of having all the time in the world to do whatever i want. That’s when my mind wanders and i make no attempt to bring it back.
"Do not fall in love
With people like me.
people like me
will love you so hard
that you turn into stone
into a statue where people
come to marvel at how long
it must have taken to carve
that faraway look into your eyes
Do not fall in love with people like me
we will take you to
museums and parks
and monuments
and kiss you in every beautiful
place so that you can
never go back to them
without tasting us
like blood in your mouth
Do not come any closer.
people like me
are bombs
when our time is up
we will splatter loss
all over your walls
in angry colors
that make you wish
your doorway never
learned our name
do not fall in love
with people like me.
with the lonely ones
we will forget our own names
if it means learning yours
we will make you think
hurricanes are gentle
that pain is a gift
you will get lost
in the desperation
in the longing for something
that is always reaching
but never able to hold
do not fall in love
with people like me.
we will destroy your
apartment
we will throw apologies at you
that shatter on the floor
and cut your feet
we will never learn
how to be soft
we will leave.
we always do."
Do Not Fall in Love With People Like Me,
alonesomes (via fatseux)
(via tinyunderpants)
Effy reminds me too much of myself. Thats probably why i find myself drawn to Skins year after year.
(Source: warmfeel, via riddikulous)
"Those who are heartless, once cared too much."
Frank Ocean (via sundaylatte)
(Source: l-ucia, via sundaylatte)
